Author: Kim You-jeong
Source: Poetry and Novel 1 (1936.3)

I might be going to school just because I've acquired a taste for staying up all night the day before an exam. Since tomorrow is the English exam, not that I could learn everything in a single night, I was flipping through the pages of my book with the thought of memorizing a few passages that seemed likely to be on the test, when clank, I heard the sound of a bicycle being parked against the outside wall.

Then, tapping on the glass window facing the street, a voice called out, "Mr. Lee." Wondering who it was in the middle of the night, I sluggishly unlatched the hook, only to see the toad-eyes wearing a cap tilted to the side. "What is it now?" I thought, feeling a bit sour, but still, it was good to see him after about a month. I reached out to shake hands and said, "Come on in," but he said he was too busy to spare the time and that he had something to discuss with me today, asking me to make sure to come to his house in about an hour. With just that, leaving me no time to even be puzzled over what the discussion might be about, he hastily rang his bicycle bell and disappeared out of the alley. Judging by how this guy, who cares only about looking stylish even when smoking a single cigarette, came looking for me on a bicycle, the matter must have been quite urgent, but it was very unpleasant how he ran off before even waiting for my answer, assuming I would naturally obey his words. This clearly meant he still intended to exercise his privilege as a gisaeng's older brother over me. To be honest, I had already been used by him as much as he needed. "I don't want to deal with this anymore," I thought, firmly shutting the innocent window and sitting back down to flip through my book, but my insides were seething. But thinking about it practically, it wasn't just his fault; as if there were a shortage of people in the world, I was the one who had lost his mind over a gisaeng—and a shriveled chestnut-burr-like one at that, not even a particularly pretty one—whom I had only caught a passing glimpse of on the street. If we had locked eyes and gotten excited together, who could say anything, but while the other side didn't seem to consider my existence as anything significant, I was the only one burning with anxiety, writing postcards that received no replies every single day for three months. Seeing this, the guy noticed the signs, came to me, gave a grand greeting, and clearly explained that to love a gisaeng, one must first properly coax her older brother, adding that Ok-hwa was his sister and would mostly listen to what he said, so I should rest assured. I thought he was right, and from then on, whenever my tuition money came up from home, I treated him like a master, escorting him around and cleaning up after him so much that I couldn't get my own work done. This became a habit, and he would frequently come over, drag me out for a walk, and take me to theaters, cafes, or his favorite gisaeng houses, often staying up all night. Of course, since I had to pay for everything down to the last penny for a box of matches, at a glance, it was hard to tell who was taking whom around. Furthermore, he would boast day after day, telling me to just wait and see as he would get a reply from his sister, but he only took my letters and brought no news back, like a roasted pheasant that never returns. I only felt a bit more reassured passing the letters to her brother rather than through the mail, but in reality, I didn't know for sure if they went straight to her or ended up being used as toilet paper in a public restroom while he hummed a tune. One day, he came over, sprawled out flat on my room's floor, humming a tune, and then, as if he had thought of something, suddenly sat bolt upright. Blinking those toad-eyes on his bumpy face three or four times, he lectured me: "You're a student, so you don't know the red-light district yet. What's the point of just sitting far away and sending letters constantly?" He scolded me thoroughly, then smacked his lips as if feeling pity, saying, "Gisaengs are different from schoolgirls; you have to grab them and knead them together for them to pour out their affection." Having been heavily struck by whatever first love is, my ears perked up, and I leaned in, asking, "Then is there any good way?" He kept his mouth shut and hesitated for a moment before saying, "Then I'll introduce you directly, so first, buy a gift worth about twenty or thirty won that my sister would like. Love in the red-light district costs a bit of money," and proceeded to smoothly recount his own past experiences of loving a gisaeng. Realizing that no woman would hate being fed money, and to show my sincerity right before their eyes, I dragged him around, begged friends for money, pawned my suit, and managed to scrape together a lump sum. First, we went into a department store, had lunch together, and on the way out, I bought a 42-won pure gold braided ring according to his suggestion and sent it with him, pleading with him to put in a good word. And as promised, when I went to see him late the next night, he came out rubbing his eyes as if he had just woken up, and his attitude as he welcomed me into the middle-gate room he used was somehow less enthusiastic than yesterday. I sat there anxiously rubbing my hands, worrying if he had been rejected while delivering the ring, but he said absolutely nothing about it. Instead, he completely changed the subject, pulled out a photo album, showed me pictures of various gisaengs, babbled nonsense for a while, and then said, "My sister waited for you, Mr. Lee, all this time but just now went out to gamble. Come a bit earlier than this tomorrow," suppressing a yawn with his fist. Thinking it was a pity and that I should have come just a little earlier, I asked, "So, what did she say when you gave her the ring?" He replied that his sister was very pleased, but she said that accepting a gift without even a first formal introduction was impolite, so she would return it when they met in person.

"At this point, things are arranged well enough," I felt relieved. Walking back to my boarding house, I thought that if she returned the ring, I would completely lose my excuse to interact with her, so if possible, it might be better not to meet and just sway her heart with letters. Still, since Ok-hwa felt it was impolite, showing she cared that much about me, I figured the next step depended on me going there, grabbing her, and begging—it probably wasn't unreasonable to think this way. However, when I went about an hour earlier the next day, the guy still let out an annoyed yawn and told me to come even earlier. When I went the day after that, he again told me to come earlier. After four consecutive days of this, the guy unnecessarily lost his temper and acted uneasily, making me feel like I was being treated too ridiculously. Disgusted, I resolved, "Damn you, I won't play with you anymore," hurriedly returned to my boarding house, and spent my days wiping tears on my bedding. Now, about a month later, what kind of discussion could this be? The exam was urgent, and I was flipping through the book with my eyes wide open just to avoid failing the course, but the letters that had looked so clear suddenly turned into black ink lines, meaning it was hopeless. On top of that, the faintly appearing face of Ok-hwa only made my insides burn the more I looked at it. I shook my head a few times to gather my senses and looked into the book again, but seeing no effect, I thought, "This isn't studying," tossed the book into a corner, stood up, opened the window, and breathed in the refreshing air. Red light flowed from the upper floor of the Western-style house across the way, and from somewhere, a faint Yukjabaegi tune echoed in. Then it suddenly occurred to me: women are animals that can get emotional out of nowhere. Perhaps Ok-hwa's heart had been swayed by the letters I sent every day during that time, and she called me to meet her at least once, or perhaps the guy realized the discourtesy he had shown me and told me to come to fulfill his previous promise. Either way, since he even specified the time as "in an hour," he was definitely trying to give me a good opportunity as much as possible. I thought that if I could win Ok-hwa this way, I wouldn't mind quitting school tomorrow, and I hastily threw on my overcoat and stepped out onto the street. On the main street of Gwanghwamun, the chilly wind seeping into my nape showed that autumn was already late. Turning into the entrance of Cheongjin-dong, I looked into a barbershop by the road; it was 8:45, meaning twenty minutes still remained before the hour was up. After leaning against a utility pole and smoking a cigarette, there was still time left, so I bought some roasted chestnuts, held them, and paced around, deciding to chew one every two minutes. I felt anxious about how today's events would unfold and what I should say for my first greeting to a woman. However, I figured that as long as I showed her the total amount of my passion for her, it would be enough. "If you live with me, and if you want it, I will carry you on my back for a hundred ri." I thought it would be fine if I just made such a vow. Other than that, there was no other way for me, who was barely managing to study with the dirt-stained money my father sent. "Ah, ah, if only my father could send me a lump of money in a parcel at a time like this," I lamented naturally, just as the clock in the noodle shop struck nine with an old sound. "It should be fine to go now," I thought, turning into the side alley, but as I stopped right in front of Ok-hwa's gate, my heart pounded for no reason. That would have been fine, but even when I cleared my throat and called Toad's name, there was no answer to be found. Instead, men and women were just screaming unintelligible things in the inner quarters, making a complete mess of the place. Puzzled by what was going on, I called out two or three times in a trembling voice. Only then did the gate creak open, and the plump live-in maid looked at me, asking who I was looking for. When I said I came to see Toad, she pointed to the middle-gate room with pursed lips and wiped her nose with her apron, wearing an expression that said it was none of her business. Normally, since it wasn't just once or twice that I had troubled her to deliver my letters, and I would slip her a few pennies for cigarette money whenever I saw her, she would always welcome me. Why was her demeanor so different today? It seemed tonight's affairs would also end in vain. Still, I first stepped onto the wooden porch and slid open the room door. Even if he had been sleeping, he should have been startled awake by all that commotion, but Toad was collapsed flat in the middle of the room like someone beaten with a rice-cake mallet, unable to even lift his head. Annoyed at what kind of situation this was after calling someone over, I was about to frown but said in a pleasant voice, "Mr. Kang, are you unwell?" I shook his shoulder, but he didn't even open his eyes. This guy was truly an unfathomable character no matter how you looked at it. I might have thought that maybe he had caused a disturbance in the house while trying to help my affairs succeed, ending up like this, but even so, looking at Chae-seon, who was collapsed in the exact same posture behind Toad's back, there was no way to guess what was happening. It was unlikely that this Chae-seon, whom his sister had bought as an adopted daughter to teach singing and dancing while working her, would be sprawled on the floor like that before midnight. Furthermore, though I didn't notice it at first, seeing the watery snot and foam oozing down their cheeks from both of their mouths and noses, it didn't seem like an ordinary prank. My hair standing on end, I was seized with fear. As I was shaking this head and then that head, my eyes wide, suddenly the sliding door slammed open, and an old woman with a gaunt face—inevitably Ok-hwa's mother—came in fiercely. Without even turning her gaze to me, who stood there like a wooden totem pole, she plumped down in front of Toad, glared with spiteful eyes, and immediately whacked him on the head with the long bamboo pipe she had brought in. Whack! The sound sent a chill down my spine. "You damn bastard whose belly should burst and die! Ruining the household like this! If you're going to die, then die! Go ahead and die, you bastard!" Pinching and tearing at his back with both hands until she was out of breath from venomous spite, and seeing him still not move, she finally screamed at the top of her lungs, "I'll eat you alive and die myself, you bastard!" and ferociously lunged to bite off his ear. At that point, standing next to her, I had no choice but to jump in and tear her away. Just as I realized that an old person's strength is not to be underestimated while wrestling with her for a long time, a thundering roar came: "Kill that bastard! Why leave him be?" This time, an old, stiff-looking man rushed into the room, shoes and all, holding a crude piece of firewood that looked just like himself. The way he hurried in, it looked like he could easily kill a few people if left alone. I don't know if it's the rule for the mother to stop things at times like this, but the old woman whom I had just been holding back and reprimanding suddenly sprang up in a panic. "Hold back, old man! Hold back, old man!" she continuously placated him, hastily dragging him outside, which drained the energy right out of me. The stiff old man, being dragged into the inner gate, huffed and puffed, "You bastard, what number is this? Haven't you already done this for the seventh time, you starving bastard!" Then he started babbling nonsensically from the inner hall, stomping his feet, and turning the house upside down. Quietly assessing the situation, it seemed this kind of uproar had happened several times before I arrived. Feeling exactly as if I had been bewitched by a goblin, I stood there blankly with my hands in my pockets, when the plump, pale face of the maid bobbed into view through the slightly open sliding door. Wanting to know what on earth was going on, I opened the door, gently poked her shoulder, brought her out the front gate, and asked what was happening. But this damn woman just wrinkled her nose and turned her head away as if she had no interest at all. Even after asking a few times, her mouth wouldn't easily open, so I had no choice but to pat her back and place a lit cigarette in her mouth. Only then did she bluntly break her silence, "They took poison to die, what else is it?" Knowing her sly ways, I hastily pressed her, "Why?" Sticking her lips out for a moment and pouting as if the whole world was filthy, she secretly told me that the Toad guy had somehow snatched up his adopted niece and been messing around with her. When Ok-hwa found out, her eyes flared up with rage, and she beat him with a laundry bat, yelling at him, "Damn bastard, go out and beg for a living!" Being kicked out, the two of them took poison like that, claiming that if they couldn't live together, they would rather die. "Ugh, as if there were no other women, going after his adopted niece!" she added. So I said, "Since it's already happened, what can you do? They should just let them get married." At that, she jumped up as if it were her own business and said, "What are you talking about? That wench Chae-seon's body is like a lump of gold that could be worth thousands or tens of thousands of won in the future, my goodness," acting brazenly. After wetting her throat with saliva for a moment, she added, "And it's the seventh one, too. Whenever they finally bring in an adopted daughter, he ruins her by kneading her every time, ruining one after another, making this the seventh," she said, bringing both hands right under my nose and clearly holding up seven fingers. When I asked what kind of poison they took, she said she wasn't sure, but that he had rushed out on his bicycle earlier, probably bought the poison from somewhere, and the two of them took it together before collapsing like that. When I got scared and said, "Will he really die? A person's fate is unpredictable," she replied, "What are you talking about? They might have taken a little, but since he's such a complete miser, he would have only taken enough not to die, so don't worry." Then she cursed him fiercely, calling him a guy who would wake people up in the middle of the night to buy udon or hotteok, working them to the bone, but would never offer even a bitter cigarette in return. I felt like I was in a dream, and upon realizing I was acting like a clown, I stood there dumbfounded, so absurd it all was. When she proudly asked, "Sir, who did you come to meet?" I laid it all out and said I came hoping to see Ok-hwa. She scoffed through her nose, "Hmph," and sneered, "Ah, you mean the one who sleeps around with her own kind?" Poking me in the ribs, casting sidelong glances, and rubbing her shoulders against mine, her attitude became quite cheeky. Worried someone might see and feeling embarrassed, I backed away toward the trash can. Seeming embarrassed herself, she sulked and just glared at me for a bit, then approached me again. Pinching her own cheek with her hand, she acted brazen again, saying, "I may look like this, but I'm in my prime, bursting with youthful flesh at sixteen." Receiving no response to that, this damn woman pinched my buttocks and stealthily pestered me, asking what made her face any worse than that wench Ok-hwa's.

However, to clearly let her know that even if she was skinny, I still preferred Ok-hwa over her, I wordlessly spat on the ground and was about to enter the gate when she pulled my sleeve and said, "Sir, please give me just one more cigarette." I thought, "I've been played again," but out of irritation, I just gave her the whole pack. When I went back into the room, the scene was no different from before, and inside they were still chattering loudly like breaking pots. Thinking of his behavior, telling me to make sure to come in an hour, it was disgraceful, but out of a sense of decency, I shook Toad's head, saying, "Mr. Kang, please wake up." He didn't move, but after about an hour and a half, he hunched his shoulders and continuously cried out, "Oh, I'm dying, oh, I'm dying," while vomiting the food he had eaten out of his mouth and nose. Thinking, "He did take some poison after all," I was patting his back when a little later, from the upper part of the room, Chae-seon also started vomiting with the exact same moaning sounds. At this point, I hadn't come here just to clean up after them, and feeling too offended, I stood in a corner just puffing on my cigarette. Then the sliding door opened forcefully again, and this time Ok-hwa came in, wearing going-out clothes. It seemed she had run back after receiving this urgent news while out gambling. Being in such a state, my heart pounded, and I unconsciously took a step forward, but she didn't even pretend to notice me at all. And although affection isn't something that arises in designated places, she said in a shrill voice, "You bastard, as if there are no other women, you have an affair with your niece?" She vigorously kicked Toad right in the ribs, then turned around and this time grabbed Chae-seon by the hair. "You wench, I'll tear your braided hair apart," she yelled, lifting and dropping her hair a few times, causing Chae-seon to hit her nose on the floor and bleed, which seemed a bit too harsh to watch. In the heat of the moment, I rushed over, said, "Ms. Kang, please calm down," and grabbed her hand tightly. At that, she immediately stared right at me and asked, "Who are you?" Confused for a moment about what to answer, I soon revealed my identity, "I am Lee Gyeong-ho." With a single sentence, "Step aside, this is not a place for you to be involved," she shook off my hand and glared at me. Her demeanor showed she was far from someone who thought receiving a ring was impolite; she clearly wasn't someone who had even properly read the letters I had sent with such sincerity. My heart chilling, I could only stare blankly backwards, realizing that indeed, money was the most important thing. I could see how she might hate Chae-seon so much for ruining a body that was like a lump of gold. However, I learned the much bigger reason well over a year later when a report of Ok-hwa's attempted suicide appeared in the newspaper one day, the reason being stated as a broken heart—it was a rather straightforward article to read. But looking closely at the inner details, it wasn't such a simple broken heart. She had gotten involved with some rich guy, and when times were good, the guy suddenly belched and turned away from her. The woman then took poison as a threat, claiming she would die if she couldn't live with him, causing a huge uproar to reel him back in. When I went to visit her at the hospital at that time, I couldn't tell whether she had taken poison or restorative medicine; she was lying in a clean bed, smoking a cigarette while tapping her foot to a rhythm, the flesh on the back of her hand glistening with luster. Considering Chae-seon's actions of recklessly throwing around that sacred secret tactic, used as a last resort, in such a shabby servants' quarters, it wouldn't be unreasonable to not only make her smash her nose but even burn her back with the lit cigarette she was smoking.

Even so, well past midnight, not knowing how much her insides were burning, when Chae-seon tore at her own chest with both hands and vomited blood from her mouth, Ok-hwa hurriedly went in and out with her shoes on. She called her parents on one hand, and ordered the maid to call a rickshaw on the other. Rushing around so frantically they barely had time to blink, the whole family was busy running to the hospital. Left behind without being able to join them, Toad groaned in the empty room like an acorn in dog food. Seeing that sight, it wasn't that I didn't feel pity for him. However, when I thought about how this guy, treated worse than a dog or a pig in his own home, had tricked me by saying his sister worshipped his every word, I immediately felt angry. Unable to overcome my anger, I thought to myself, "Son of a bitch, deceiving me like that," and was standing there wiping tears with the back of my hand, when this guy, who hadn't said a word until now, slowly raised his head and said with a sad face, "Mr. Lee, please call a doctor." Groaning like that, he seemed to be in considerable pain, but seeing his deeply contorted, tearful face—perhaps feeling bitter about being left all alone and treated with contempt—I wasn't completely without sympathy. However, in my opinion, I guessed that even if Toad ate a whole sack of poison, there was no worry of him actually committing suicide. Also, considering that his parents and sister were leaving him be, I felt that if I clumsily called a doctor, I might end up in big trouble, so I could only give a vague grunt of acknowledgement and just stand there. Even after he pleaded three or four times, I just stood there. Eventually, the guy lost his temper again, and displaying whatever habit this was, he waved me off as if I were useless, saying, "Go, go away, go," completely dropping his honorifics and using familiar speech, leaving me so bewildered that I could only barely blink my eyes. If you think about it carefully, my dignity seemed to have been completely lost when I grabbed his hands and begged him with tears to let me meet his sister. But overlapping that with the time he showed me a naked picture of himself, fat as a Western pig, softly boasting, "I may look like this now, but there was a time...", I could easily tell that his behavior was blatantly shady. Considering that the only reason I was still here was for him, thinking, "You think I can't leave if you tell me to?", I got a bit irritated myself, but it was still difficult to just casually walk out. After thinking it over, I awkwardly grabbed my hat, acting halfway between going to call a doctor and going to the bathroom, and stumbled out the front gate. Saying, "Damn bastards, I really won't hang out with you guys anymore," my shoulders felt extremely light, like someone who had just escaped from a tiger's den. The people had already vanished from the deep night streets. As I turned the corner of a lonely alley trying to hurry out, from another alley opening to the side, an unwelcome voice interrupted my steps: "Sir." "Why are you leaving already instead of sleeping over?" she teased. Ignoring that, I asked what had happened. "What do you mean? It's a luxury for a wench like her to even go to a hospital," she spat out. "Right now they are feeding her medicine, pumping water into her, and making such a fuss. I'm on my way to look after the house; our house is empty, so let's go together," the damn woman said, grabbing my arm. Thinking, "Have I completely lost all my dignity?", I got angry at myself and violently shook off her hand. As if finding this amusing, she smiled brightly once, but then poked me in the ribs with her elbow and got angry for no reason, sulking and saying, "You shouldn't mistreat people like this." Still feeling regretful perhaps, she slyly pulled out the cigarettes I gave her earlier from her waist, put one in her mouth, and lit it. Then, her nagging broke my title of 'Sir', addressing me as 'you': "Do you think Ok-hwa likes you? She considers you worse than the dirt between her toes," scratching at my nerves. She continued, "It would be nice if she at least received your letters, but whatever letters the postman brings, Toad looks at them first and throws them away, throws them away. Why can't you come to your senses and keep acting like an idiot?" She brazenly and clearly mocked me. "If that's the case, I haven't been writing to Ok-hwa all this time; I've been writing love letters to Toad," I finally realized. Not wanting to hear anything more, I tried to turn my feet away, but she grabbed me tightly, snatched the half-smoked cigarette from my hand, brought it to her own mouth, and asked, "I'll come find you sometime, you won't be mad, will you?" Her clinging behavior made me so angry that instead of answering, I took out the thirty jeon left in my pocket and gave it to her, telling her to use it for cigarette money. She flared up in anger again, shoved the money back into my suit pocket, and started mocking me once more.

"Ugh, do whatever you want," I thought. So I said, "Then be sure to come sometime, I'll be waiting," getting rid of her in a pleasant way. When I hurried out of the alley, the clock at the tavern was well past one o'clock. I was walking down mindlessly like a half-witted idiot when a sudden thought grabbed me: a gisaeng will have nowhere to go when she gets old. She might not even pretend to see me now, but if Ok-hwa gets old, she will have nowhere else to go but to me. Feeling a bit relieved at this, I chanted, "Grow old, grow old," which was then followed by "English, English, English." However, the English exam I had to take tomorrow also felt like an extension of my romance, so I just thought, "Ah, whatever happens, happens," threw it away from my mind, and walked down the middle of the empty Gwanghwamun street, chanting, "Grow old, grow old," waiting with all my heart for all things to simply grow old.